mum, i hate you.
i hate you.
i'll never be good enough for you.
will i?
you say you've never said that i'm bad.
but you have.
and even you hadn't you've implied it so many times, i would be an idiot not to know.
i hate you.
i hate you.
fucking hell, fuck you, fuck everyone.
i hate you and i want to die.

bloody hell. what is it with Asians, and being absolutely obssessed about "losing face" (in other words, losing your reputation, and social standing)?? why do they fucking care so much about what other people think??

my mother cares so much. she cant even stand it when i make her lose face in front of my brother. god. it's so painfully childish, and i hate her so much for it. i hate so much about my mother. the way she always whinges, bitches, shows off, puts us down, threatens to not love us anymore, cuts us down with her words, destorys our dreams, our hopes, our ideas. god.
it fucking hurts so much. all of the bloody time. i hate her so much for it. but i love her all the same. and i hate the fact that i HAVE to love her because shes my mother, and theres no way in hell i can stop loving her because i am her flesh and blood.
she has no idea how many fucking times I've lay in bed at night, and cried myself to sleep over something she said so carelessly, with such disdain.
she has no idea how much she hurts me every fucking day with every thoughtless word she says.
she has no idea how many times i wish i could just run away from home, and never come back. and the only reason i wouldnt come back is because i would be scared of what she would say to me. of how angry she would be.
she has no idea how mentally ill i am.
she has no idea how often i wish i was dead.
she has no idea how often i think about committing suicide.

my earliest memory is one where i am in my first, my childhood home. and i am just standing there crying, whilst my mother stands there yelling at me, putting me down, pointing the finger at me. i try to hug her, and she hugs me back. and she comforts me, but then she continues to yell at me, as i hug her, as i try to get her to make me feel safe, she yells at me.
and i dont remember this happening just once, but many times. 
i cry everytime, like i am doing now, i think of this memory. it hurts. it still fucking hurts. and i just wonder what kind of psychological damage this incident has done to me.
i cant remember anything from my childhood. and im only 16. either i have dementia, or its all been suppressed.

i read this quote, and i know in my heart for it to be true.
"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy." -Oscar Wilde
i hate myself when i see qualities of my mother in myself. i would rather die, than become my mother. the woman who married her first boyfriend, who is too proud to admit defeat, the woman who never made me feel safe in her arms. she embodies everything i aspire NOT to be in a person.

right now, shes comforting and laughing at my brother crying.

i want to die.

why do some people insist on sitting on their moral high horse and condemming everything they see when they themselves are flawed too?
i know im being a hypocrite by writing this, but why cant people just look at themselves and realise that they arent perfect either?
i just read a friends blog, and shes just ranting on and on about this person whos spreading rumours that arent true. well has she ever even thought about what shes done to other people? shes hurt people, she'll walk all over you feelings and not give a shit, she'll dish it out, but she cant take it.
it just pisses me off, how people do that. you get what you give. just shut up and deal.
i just feel like anonymously commenting, telling her to stop being such a whiner. i cant stand whiners. all they ever think about is themselves.

and before you speak, i know im a whiner. but at least im not too proud to admit it.

i think my friend is just PMSing, though, so maybe that kinda explains her rant... still, it pisses me off.

All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That's his. -Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895
i dont understand this quote. but theres something deep about it.

james blunt - goodbye my lover.
this is undoubtedly a beautiful and sad song, however to those who say it is THE MOST beautiful and sad song, i wholeheartedly disagree.
songs like damien rice - the blower's daughter, beck - everybody's gotta learn sometimes, moulin rouge! - el tango de roxanne, just to name a few, make you feel the emotion. when i listen to these songs, i cry, that is how powerful they are.
and i still held your hand in mine, in mine when i'm asleep. and i will bear my soul in time, when im kneeling at your feet.

i love watching the tennis. i hate those who insist on the introduction of "hawk eye", which is a new technology that allows players to challenge line calls, and "hawk eye" will calculate precisely where the ball has landed. its a stupid idea. the beauty of tennis is the fact that there will human error in calls, and that some will go your way and some wont. its all part of the game. you make the game perfect, you make all the players conform to your ideal, and tennis wont be so interesting to watch anymore. its the on court drama, the clash of playing styles, the arguments that makes tennis interesting to watch, will one day, sadly disappear.

i also have a problem with the playing surface of the australian open. it is called "rebound ace", and it is a rubberised surface. players feet can sort of "sink into" the surface and this increases the risk of ankle injuries. and the playing surface is getting slower. if the playing surface of all the grand slams are considered "equal", then isnt it going to be so much easier to win The Grand Slam?? by varying the speed of courts at each grand slam, it is going to make it much harder for players to adapt to all the playing surfaces and win the four slams in a calendar year.

another problem?? the length of the season. it ends in like late november/early december, and begins in early january. how on earth can players have enough time to recover from injuries/train/etc.?? it is so stupid.

i wish that the people out there, the atp, the wta, the itf, would just wake up to themselves and realise they have to look after their players, listen to their ideas/opinions, otherwise there wont be any left. its a terrible pity. and i hope they figure it out soon.

i love andy roddick. hes my favourite tennis player. i am still very annoyed that my dad told me go to bed instead of watching the El Aynoui v. Roddick marathon match at the Australian Open a few years ago. i am even more annoyed at myself, that i actually listened to him and went to bed. i think that something magical might have happened that night. but i'll never know. watching a tape of it wont be the same, because i will know the final result, there wont be any suspense, and excitement. and i hate myself because i denied myself that opportunity.
i bet this match will go down in history. i'll be like 70, and watching the tennis with my grandkids, and some commentator will mention that match, and my grandkids will be like "did you watch that match grandma??" and i will be like "no." and they like "you suck, grandma" and i'll be like " i know."
im such an idiot. all of the time. *sigh*

there is a girl out there, her heart broken, her soul dead.
there is a mother out there, who believes that her daughter is beautiful.
there is a father out there, who believes that his daughter is a perfect angel.
there is a brother out there, who looks up to his sister as a role model.
there is a friend out there, who would die for a girl.
there is a boy out there, in love with a girl.

love is the most painful experience there is.
i dont understand why people want to find it.
they think its brilliant,
that it will make them happy.
it wont.
it will just hurt you.
stab you in the heart,
over and over again.
love doesnt have humanity.
it doesnt know when to stop.
it doesnt care that your heart ripped out of your chest
and being trampled upon by a thousand men.
there is no way to win this battle
just when you think its defeated
it comes back, and knocks you out.
why bother to fall in love?
it all ends the same way.
in death, or pain.

i dont like it when you talk to me
coz every time you do,
you just critisize me, or put me down,
or just make me feel bad.
and i dont like feeling bad.
if i want to feel bad,
i can do it myself.

im reading peoples blogs, and it just makes me feel sad, and happy at the same time.
i feel so sad, because i feel like i dont even know half these people anymore.
i used to know these people so well.
and now they just seem like strangers.
we used to share secrets,
but now when we see each other,
all we talk about are neutral subjects
like schoolwork and exams.
ive just lost contact with so many people
and it makes me want to cry.
it breaks my heart to see these people growing up
into brilliant, brilliant people,
without me there.
im happy for them coz theyre happy,
but i just wish so hard that maybe a few years ago,
i had more wisdom,
and i made the right choices.
didnt pick this stupid all girls school
convinced my mum to let me go to my best friends school.
and maybe right now,
i would be happier.
in three years,
im now up to my third "group" as such,
ive fallen into desperation,
and managed to fall in love
with every decent looking man that i come across.
i hate chinese, i hate it, i hate it.
my stupid parents forced me into latin and chinese,
both of which i hated,
and i was stupid and naive enough to think that,
to believe that my parents always knew best.
how that has changed over the last three years.
ive remembered things, i wish so hard
never happened.
i could see why i tried to bury them.
i hold this deep, deep anger against my parents,
and an even deeper love for them.
i feel so conflicted inside,
and i wish id just been slightly wiser,
stood up for what i wanted,
instead of just being such a fool.
i wish so hard every single day,
that i didnt meet certain people,
that i made the right choices.
sure some of those people brought me extreme happiness
but they also bought me extreme pain.
i wish i could just wind back the clock, and start over.
but then theres always that question,
would things have been better off
if i had made a different choice?
theres always that doubt at the back of your mind.
you dont really know if the choice you wished you made
would have ended up with a better result.
and i dont know what i want,
or who i am anymore.
i think...
i think ive lost my identity.

now i dont even need to see you.
i hear your name,
and my heart jumps.
i cant concentrate during class.
and i even manage to forget why.
but then i think back,
and i remember it was you.
that i remembered.
and im sorry if i cant let you go.

there is a loneliness in my heart.
most of the time,
i can block it out.
but every once in a while,
it sneaks up on me,
whacks me right between the eyes,
and breaks me down.
nothing i have
fills that void
inside of me.
you suddenly see
who i am inside.
not strong,
not brave,
not funny,
not alive.
you see a girl,
crying,
broken,
just wanting,
just dying,
to be loved.

fucking hell.
arrrrgggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
okay.
dad just HAD to FUCKING reinstall windows last night on my computer without much prior warning.
and as a consequence,
i have lost:
a) all of my programs, all of which i am still in the process of reinstalling
b) all of my bookmarks
c) all of my saved passwords, which means i will now have to go through every SINGLE FUCKING WEBSITE, TRYING EVERY FUCKING PASSWORD UNTIL IT FUCKING WORKS.
d) i have lost ALL of my bittorrent downloads, which is like 3 gigs of stuff: FUCK!!! (half of which i havent even watched) DOUBLE FUCK!!
e) ALL of my settings are GONE!
f) I HAVE LOST ALL OF MY FUCKING ITUNES LIBRARY (but thank god i have an ipod, and i updated it pretty recently, so i FUCKING well hope that i have all my songs in there and i can use some program to stick them back onto my computer)
g) I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHERE ANY FUCKING THINGS FUCKING WELL ARE!!!!
and you know the worst part?
deep down, i know its my OWN FUCKING FAULT I DIDNT THINK OF THESE FUCKING THINGS.
ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.........


** long pause... very long pause... **
** hyperventilates **
** need chocolate **
** voice 1: at least i have chocolate because i bought a ton of it today **
** voice 2: you wanna be fat?? **
** voice 1: i dont care, im stressed and i need something to calm me down **
** voice 2: fine. be fat then. **
** resists urge to run out of room and stuff face with chocolate **

okay..... *deep breath*

fuck. there was something i was gonna say, but i cant think of it now... bugger.

btw, i know im swearing way too much on here lately. sorry. im just stressed, and this is the only thing i have to vent that stress/anger.

umm.... i applied for a job at sanity... and coles myer... for the xmas period. so hopefully (fingers crossed - majorly) i get a job, coz i really dont want to be sitting around at home all holdiays (although it will mean i wont get to watch a lot of the australian open, i dont mind, coz at least i'll be earning money...) getting all bored and fat and depressed... and stuff.

apparently they pay really good at maccas. like $10 per hour, and $12 on weekends. i dont really want to work there though... you have to clean toilets... yuk. (yes i can be a bit of a cleanliness freak)

umm... work experience... getting kinda worried, coz everyones all got their placements already, and i havent even sent in one application, not even to the herald sun, which is where i want to work. they said that applications close on the 31st of dec, and all applications are considered, whenever they get sent in... and they only notify you that you got the placement in february, so if i dont get theat, then HELLOOOO data entry.

i really rant and rave on, dont i?
*sigh*
i guess im just not exactly having the best week of my life.